stop for a second...appreciate the raw love that you experienced today.

how many moments today made you want to remember them forever? even though you know you won't because you'll have how many more tomorrow?

i woke up this morning with concern and passion in my heart for some friends. i had a beautiful breakfast with one of the dearest people in the whole world. i've spent time listening to rare sincerity...

i've prayed with rare sincerity.

please Jesus let it continue. let our hearts continue to be broken and ache to know your comfort.

to know the joy and hurt of a laugh and a tear in the same day is beautiful thing. to feel so alive, with firey breaths fueled by my desire to know what God has for me next.

where will i go? how many other beautiful souls will i have the privilege to wrap my arms around and fervently hope that they feel more than the tiny amount of love i can convey.

i'm waiting...patiently...just for tomorrow.

i have had a lot of time to think lately, and it's amazing the places your mind can take you in just a few days with nothing to do.

i managed to put myself in a place where i was totally insecure about some pretty major things, and of all the amazing friends i have, when i couldn't hold back the sobs the other night there was no one to talk to only God.

i've had a hard time discerning any answers from Him, but i know that He was listening through my tears. sometimes i get tired of being the person that listens...because i need someone to listen to me, but i know the weight of listening to people's hearts- of empathizing, and that stops me from being completely vulnerable most of the time.

i think we innately treat others as we would like to be treated...(not all of the time, i know you're probably thinking of many rude people you've encountered and trust they don't want you to do the same to them) so i guess that somewhere inside of me i have the desire to push, and to ask people questions, and to try and help them talk about how they feel because i need someone to do that for me.

this all sounds very selfish, and as if no one ever does anything wonderful for me and that is absolutely not true. as well as, regardless of whether or not there are other people around, i like that there are times that in spite of my lack of direction God forces me to turn to Him.

i'm wandering aimlessly right now, but i am praying. which is more than i can say for the fall. i'm searching for direction, more uplifting conversation, and something that challenges me. i know part of my breakdown this week was because i usually look forward to the summer. the time for the past three years that i have been stretched to my absolute limits serving and loving.

i'm going to miss those hugs from those precious children, and the amazing love that i've experienced from people i barely know. such beauty. and i hate hate hate that i have to go to school this summer because it's so much about me. i'm useless right now because i'm not doing anything to help myself or others grow. i'm obsessive about people within my circle of influence and how they are, but i'm not looking for other people, whose needs could be met so much more tangibly. i remembered today that if start volunteering somewhere, not only can i give my time but if i log my hours starbucks will pay that organization the amount that i would have made if i had worked those hours.

so, i'm not going to let this keep me down. there are things that don't make sense, and i'll deal with that in time. God will allow me to understand things when He's ready, and until then i just have to trust that what i'm doing is right. i'm going to start putting what time i have towards serving, instead of just sitting around and thinking about how i just want to spend all of time serving and loving.

i'm...well i'm struggling. just wrestling with a lot of things. the unending fight for how and where to spend my time. the times i might be wasteful (as in letting times pass me by when i could have shared a moment in another persons life). i did have a great conversation today with a kid i will be working with. he's young and starting college, but seems to have a lot of cool things going on in his head. it was really cool...somewhat raw and truthful for our first conversation. i'm praying for more opportunities to get to know and invest in people i work with. some of them just seem as if they need hugs. i'm also praying for a mentor. i'm having a really hard time not pushing this need aside because i can't have the people who revolutionized this concept for me in pennsylvania, however i know its important. i know that it was not just revolutionary because they're awesome people. right now i keep tossing back and forth whether or not i should be actively searching or patiently waiting. both seem like good options, they might even work well together. i guess i'm just not sure how to begin either except to pray. most of all i'm dealing with the pain of needing someone to be very close to. i've never been the kind of girl who had to be dating a guy, and i find myself angry with myself at the growing desire. it's a weird contradiction in my head, and i never know how to discern things. i'm praying, but i feel like with this one i'm hittin a brick wall. could be that one at the top of my head.

tell me how i can pray for you, it helps me when i get lost inside my head.